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Good God, Put The Beast To Sleep In The Minds Of Men Already

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Kickstarter Project in August 2017

I'm attentive to a Kickstarter project so further expositions upon my heretical theology is on hold. My regards to those who have been sitting on their hands, patiently.

The website for the Kickstarter project is going through stages of development here.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

The Creator Wanted Me, Not You, to Write The Treatise

When nineteen year old me steps into the superintendent's office at the New York State Drug Abuse Control Commission rehabilitation facility in Otisville two New York State Police detectives were inside to serve a Fugitive of Justice warrant from North Carolina on me. After confirming who I am they put me in handcuffs and drove me to some town justice near the Ulster County jail where one of the detectives reads from some papers in hand as he speaks to the judge. I heard and will always remember the precise count of "fourteen thousand (five hundred and thirty-three?) narcotic pills, tablets, and capsules." I …, we knew it was big, and now I had a number: fourteen thousand.

Many a thousand of these narcotic pills, tablets, and capsules were worthless, the bottles never even opened, and disposed of. Stuff like codeine with aspirin compounds and tranquilizers like Valium, Thorazine, and Librium, the unavoidable bottles inside the locked cabinet from every drugstore I did.

Kevin and I went to Camp LeJeune to pay a surprise visit to Danny who's going through bootcamp. Danny introduces us to another recruit, Feedback, who grew up near the Camp. Soon enough we're talking drugstores, Danny says good-bye to this, and the first one Feedback shows us to check out is a beaut. A department store with a large parking lot directly in front of the building's center entrance doors and with a single entrance door to a pharmacy area twenty feet or so to the right of the main doors. This single door to the pharmacy area is sheeted with glass, not unbreakable plastic. Silent alarm? Yes, but sixty-ninety seconds of time is all that's needed. From the time the alarm trips and then relayed to police to be relayed again to any cars in the area to the time one car is in front of the building, ninety seconds is plenty of time.

Early Monday mornings are the ideal time to do these type of 'ring and runs.' An alarm bell outside a store could ring for hours during the wee-morning hours before anyone actually takes notice. There is less traffic on the roads, and cars are less likely to be deliberately parked unseen in some distant area for smooching or conversation on an early Monday morning as most are likely to turn in early to get a good nights sleep as they begin to think the week ahead. I forget what day it was but it was not an early Monday morning … .

Break the glass and (one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand …) be sure to clear obvious shards of glass around the sides of the hole, then climb in and search for the locked cabinet. After the second or third drugstore the realization came to me that all the quality Class Two and Three controlled-substances are inside some large or small "locked cabinet." When a licensed pharmacist during the workday has to leave the pharmacy area for a short time probably a law in all the fifty States requires that the Class Two and Three substances are to be secured in some way from unlicensed employees. These secure areas are usually wooden kitchen cabinets of various sizes, and have only flimsy locks and latches securing the door to the frame. All of the ones I saw had doors that could be easily yanked to then rip the latch screws and the lock from their wooden frame. Most times I find the locks on these cabinets are not even latched closed, so nothing has to be broken before an arm is quickly sweeping all bottles off each shelf and into a pillowcase. Kevin and I look for the locked cabinet …, and each of us find one; there are two locked cabinets in this place. 

Feedback has scampered to the back of the store where cabinets of pistols and rifles are. He's back with us in the pharmacy area in under a minute, tells us he's there and then climbs out through the broken-glass door. A siren is heard outside, which means they're still navigating the roads and not yet onto the blacktop of the large parking lot, and I'm placing a box of insulin syringes inside the pillowcase and stepping towards the door. Kevin is stepping out and begins to sprint as I'm near the door and as I'm crunching down and stepping out, and at the first running steps I hear a car accelerating up to speed. There is nothing to view on the parking lot blacktop and no headlights of a car or flashing red lights bouncing off anything near the entrance to the parking lot as my feet step off the concrete and sprinting the twenty-thirty feet of blacktop along the side of the building until I begin stepping into almost knee high brush. Four, five sprinting steps of distance in front of me I'm expecting to then jump and begin to run up the incline of a four or five foot tall embankment. The sound of the car is nearing with steady acceleration as the grass I'm now stepping through has a hidden gully. My foot drops lower than expected bringing my body and my face to fall perfectly flat upon and into the grassy incline I was expecting to begin sprinting up and over. A split second to get a better grip on the pillowcase and to pull a knee up to stand as headlights from the car course over from left to right and into the grass around me where I lay,  and then the light disappears. I turn my head down and along the ground and grass as I lie there to see through their windshield both police officers looking towards the broken glass door. They haven't seen me so I turn my head down noticing that the grass is not that tall, and it is not covering me as I lay there motionless. I realize if I get up and run they'll see me, and if they get out of the car to investigate I'll be trapped where I am as other police cars will eventually arrive and I'll then absolutely will be seen trying to get away. Again the headlights wash over the grass where I lie as I hear the car begin to accelerate and moving towards my left along the side of the building and then turn my head to watch the car moving farther away along the side of the building. I get up and run into the dark forest.

We walked from the parked car the mile or so to the department store, so I know the direction where the road is. It takes me awhile for my eyes to adjust to the darkness and I then begin stepping through the forest with quick paces. I hear Kevin whistling where they are after a minute or two of traipsing alone through these woods.

"Wow," Kevin says to me. " I saw the cop car stop there and didn't see you. I thought they got you."

"Almost did. Lucky I fell into some ditch or they definitely would've seen me." 

We stay in the wooded areas as we traverse the mile or so back to the car. Helicopters are flying overhead and their spotlight beams can be seen in distant areas. We step past roadblocks and Feedback will keep us away from them thinking that if they have dogs best to steer clear as much as possible. The decision is made to place the drugstore stash, the pistols and a rifle inside a drainage pipe, in a forest area where Feedback assures us he knows the area and can't forget. Eventually we are in his car and traveling but soon to find ourselves crawling forward towards a roadblock. A long several minute wait before moving up to and being greeted with flashlight toting policemen. Feedback will show one police officer his military ID as another police officer shines his flashlight at cigarette smoking Kevin and Kurt sitting in the backseat, then we're motioned to move on.

It's a pathetic moment those first moments upon waking and your mind is making sense of some stupid, unfamiliar sound or sounds that are causing you to realize you are now inside a county jail, and then the next moment of thoughts that kick in recalling the details of what happened just a few hours ago that caused this head you're feeling so pathetic with to now be lying upon some detergent-smelling pillow a reality. 

After a few drugstores I realize all drugstores have the largest quantities of Valium than any other controlled substance. To imagine two, three thousand Valium tablets out of the fourteen thousand from North Carolina would not be preposterous. I don't know and can't remember exactly how many Valium tablets there were from North Carolina, but it was the rinky-dink rural towns and drugstores when these always large Valium quantities caught my attention. I'm throwing away let's imagine eight-hundred hits of Valium from a drugstore in Hopewell Junction. And I'm to imagine a pharmacist dispensing scripts of fifteen or thirty hits of Valium, or twenty to sixty scripts every two weeks to certain people in a rural town like Hopewell Junction, and I have to ask, What is going on in someone's life who lives in a small town or village like Hopewell Junction that causes them to need a doctor to prescribe a tranquilizer like Valium? I've done Valium and all it does it make you stop thinking. You can't remember what you were last talking about to someone, or what it was you were thinking about only fifteen-seconds ago. And to think one has this thoughtless type of frame of mind for twelve to eighteen hours of a waking day serves what purpose? and this is thought to be the best recourse instead of some other type of remedy. Why? What is happening in the life of someone who lives in a rural Hopewell Junction that causes them to be so stressed out they need to stop thinking about it? Fifty people in a small town of three thousand, what is happening that causes these people to need and require a drug to stop thinking about it? How about females like my Moms being sodomized, and these type of people are realizing and daily attempting to rationalize this thing called love from the knight in shining armor that they had fantasized about as a young girl, and the castle they've been taken to and will live in for the next five decades till they die includes acts of sodomy. Alone mornings and afternoons while the knight is at work the missus realizes the reality of Love is …? what? What is the Creator doing monitoring relationships like this? with these small percentage types of human female creations in need of diazepam while in a relationship called love and would otherwise behave strangely or hysterically if they were not under the influence of a tranquilizer? What is the Creator specifically monitoring here? It makes me wonder, … sometimes.

Kevin and I drive from North Carolina and detour towards Boston. We're both on a nice speed run. These guys Kevin knows are the only people we know for the cocaine I'll ever do. And it is this last time we are together and traveling to Boston where after a few lines of cocaine, and then stepping outside to sit on the porch steps, with the sun shining warm and bright, a bird chirping incessant sounds, for the first time I experience sheer joy like never before. Already peaking on Desoxyn for the last twelve, twenty-four hours and then the boost from the cocaine and for the next thirty, forty, fifty minutes all my knowledge and fascination for biology, the living animate object and life itself is rolled up into moments of God blessed thankfulness, and wonder, and fascination for my existence at these very wonderful moments of pure joy coursing through my mind. Life is a beautiful thing, and God? Jesus? "I want to thank you now at this very moment for allowing me these moments of life as I am, … and to express thoughts for your existence …, and that you are absolutely, the dude of Dudes for being the cause that allows me to exist to feel the joy I feel at this moment. You Jesus are the best thing I've ever found in my twenty years of life!"

And after the hour passes and the cocaine wears off, I'm not crashing to a state of normalcy but instead to that level of head only Desoxyn can carry me along with for another twelve, twenty-four hours. And this constant state of joy is branded memorable in my life and mind so much so that when years later I'm in my prison cell at Clinton Correctional facility and begin to ponder the first drafts of my treatise, it was my mind with only a cursory, superficial Biology 101 store of information in the rafters that was able to conjure up the notion of Joy as the polar, dual opposite of Pain and have it become a metaphysical parameter governing the biological systems of homeostasis. I could have read all the books in all the libraries and heard all the lectures for the last four hundred years and still never to have put two and two together.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. And thank you, Feedback, and Kevin. See you all in the next life.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Let the Good Times Roll

††

A hot, humid July morning it was. I'm in the water at Pells with two others when a car drives into the dirt path and stops at The Tree. The driver is in his early twenties and we watch as he steps to the front of the car, unties his sneakers placing them on the hood of the car, then steps to The Tree. I watch for a minute or so as he begins the maneuvers necessary enabling him to climb the sixty feet of tree length up to the two two-by-fours that are rope-tied onto a fork in a branch that extends over the water of Pells. The three of us wade over to shallow water and away from the middle of the water, watching as he steps upon the branch to those two platform boards readying himself for the plunge. Branches sway, the entire top of The Tree may bend and sway from any mild gust of wind that passes by. Adjusting his feet on the wooden boards and for a brief moment to shake his hands and arms loose from tension he lifts and extends his arms out from his sides before leaning forward and with a spring from his legs to push himself forward and into a headfirst free-fall, … crashing into the water with a soft splash. A moment of time and the guy surfaces to begin a few short strokes and paddles towards the bank and the stump of The Tree, stepping up the roots protruding out from the dirt bank he leans against the car while placing his sneakers on he feet, then gets back into the car and drives off. I'm impressed. 

Kevin has climbed the tree up to those boards and then jumped feet first. I don't want to climb any tree to such heights much less fall into the water from that high up. The rope swing is good enough for me.

••

I'll occasionally take my brothers 250 Kawasaki out for a spin any early morning for an hour or so. Just buzz around the area, not too far any which way. Turn on a full moon to light up the roads and inside passing forests and fields and the moments are cool. 

I cross the bridge at Pells and roll along the straightaway towards the first left-hand turn.

I know the roads in this area well, so I accelerate the Kaw up to a good speed knowing the angle of the left hand turn that's approaching. A full moon black-light will brighten the open field of dried golden brush on my left and right sides but the turn I'm approaching is inside a collection of pine trees on both sides of the road which causes the turn to display only the Kaw's spotlight of light piercing into a dark tunnel of blackness as I approach. The thought in mind as I ready myself and the Kaw for the lean into this turn is to approach from the far right side of the road and then hug the left side of the road as I round the turn exiting over at the far right side of the road. I know what I'm doing … , like I'm racing motocross.

That voice. This time the words conjured are less important then the sense of a challenge that has been inflected into the words. 

Take the outside … all the way around the turn, and sure, like I'm racing motocross and as if passing two, three, or five motocrossers who have just crashed or are stranded with some jockeying to disentangle on the track during a race. I'll just zoom past them on the other side of the debacle. And so I veer over to the right side of the road as I speed towards the turn, then begin leaning the bike over and as I maintain both wheels of the Kaw skimming securely two or three feet from the curving edge of the far right side of the road the double hi-beams of car headlights suddenly appear and brighten the Kaw and the entire left side view of everything in front of me. The jolt of adrenaline is quick but I don't have time for thought as I watch those bright hi-beamed headlights swerve lower and then out of sight as I continue to round the curvature of the right side of the road and eventually to right the Kaw level. As fast as the snap of the fingers the moment came and went, … and that voice I'm recognizing is …?

Later I'm to wonder why I didn't see the reflection of those headlights on the trees along the far right side of the road as I was approaching the turn. 

Headlights were turned on after the car began to accelerate from standstill.

That voice. It is me. I'm learning to recognize and soon to better appreciate exactly what it is; what that voice means: The Creator is with me.

••

BCI Detective Appolonario was known at the B's residence for other affairs, and while watching Appolonario stepping up the driveway while he worked on his van, Kevin took the plastic bag of assorted barbiturates he carried with him and threw them … somewhere, he said. Kevin later told me that that somewhere happened to be the hood of his mother's car parked a distance down the driveway. 

I told Kevin on the bus home from school that yes, I'll be there, to help him with the van, but after supper Moms said if I leave for the evening they'll lock the doors later. They'd never said something such as this to me before, after I would tell them I'm going somewhere after supper, and the next day at school I'll learn Kevin got arrested at his house, and still a couple days later I'll see Kevin in school and events and circumstances before and after his arrest being what they were, the thought comes to Kevin that I had something to do with or I knew that he was to be arrested that evening. Kevin was my partner in crime, so neither he nor I want to take these suspicions and thoughts too far and eventually our relationship resolves to circumstances beyond our control. 

••

My parents will hang the phone up on Kevin if they know it's him; he has to have one of his sisters call and to have a female voice greet my parents on the telephone and then to ask for me. Kevin has told me each time when either of my parents had seen him hitchhiking back to his house from Hopewell that they'd just drive by. Why the animosity? Kevin's older brother Joe once told Eric that my father is a puss, or some such term, doing so for reasons I was never privy to. Joe beat up Eric after Eric became belligerent, and at the dinner table Dad is all proud of Eric as Eric relates the story to everyone. Joe would later attend Rensselaer Polytech in Troy and, …? long story short I can only surmise my brother Eric had one day informed Joe of me and my faggot nature as an attempt to bond with certain of his other, better smarter classmates. Eric may be "smart," but he lacked social etiquette if what I'm describing actually did happen and was the cause for the fight. I imagine after my brother Eric confided with Joe about me being a faggot, Joe began to question Eric how he knew I was a faggot in which he got the response, "He was playing in the woods with some boys and – blah, blah, blah, …, it's a  congenital thing. My sister has Down's syndrome, too," my brother will add with the air of an exceptionally smart person who is able to tie together genetic mutations with social behavior. I knew Joe to be a critical-thinker and further presume now he would then ask why Eric is saying such things about his own brother to strangers. Again I can only presume my brother answers Joe with a sense for the honor, courage, and the love of family in his mind, Eric to retort, "My father wants everyone to know about Kurt, and if you see him doing something strange to report it to me or someone in our family." Joe would then ask, incredulous, "Your father wants you to tell everyone your brother is a fag and then to ask everyone if they see your brother doing something weird to tell you about it?" And Eric the Noble will say, "Yes." to this  Joe will say, "Your father is a jerk," causing my brother to want to fight, get beat up and later that evening to have the fodder for a story at the dinner table, thus causing Dad to beam with pride for the honor that the oldest son in his family has upheld.

If one can understand the environment wrought from the mentality of my parents and brothers because of … because I'm on a mission of God and events in my life had to follow a deviant path and course in order for my life to accomplish whatever the Creator has in mind, … 

"I have got to get out of the house first chance I get, and stay out."

••

Kevin was living with his father in Seattle as a condition of probation. He wasn't to set foot in New Yawk for I don't know how long they banned him. I'm expelled from school and so begin working for a paycheck at Taconic Fabricators. Moms drives me there but I could walk to the place within an hour's time. Each day Taconic Fabricators will produce fifty to sixty of those blue metal US Postal mailboxes bolted to the cement of street corners for shipment by truck to who knows where. Most of my time there and I'm riveting any section of metal(s) together to then have it be passed further down the assembly line, but I can be placed at some other task such as unloading trucks that have arrived or I'm with others cleaning sections of factory floor spaces that are disordered for some reason. A couple months at Taconic Fabricators and one day the supervisor says someone is downstairs to see me. Ten minutes I have to go outside and to see whomever. It's Kevin, with his van, and he's not supposed to be in New Yawk? Perhaps his probation is over? I furgetz … , and it's great to see him again. Been over a year since I last seen him. 

••

Angela Sandig. Nice girl. Both parents of German stock. Her Moms is separated and works as a waitress at a German restaurant off Route 9. With her Moms at work evenings the apartment is a place to hang out after school, for awhile, if one has previously gained her confidence. Sometimes she has her other girl friends over at the apartment and she'll tell you at the door you can't come in. You just can't, she says. Other times, sure, come on in. Just ask her if she wants to get high, and if she does she'll let you come in …, for awhile.

Angela has two sisters, Judy is twelve or thirteen when I first meet them and Monica is like six or seven. But all I or anyone does in their apartment is to eventually go into their upstairs bathroom and smoke a couple bones, and then eventually leave. I told Angela I don't think it's good for Monica to be in the bathroom with us when we smoke, but Angela says she's not letting her out of her sight. After we smoke we return to the living room, sit around with no music, no kind of chit-chat or games like spades, … Angela may leave for somewhere else leaving Judy and Monica on the couch and the both of them just watch television or read or begin picking their noses …, go upstairs and Angela is filing her nails or brushing her hair in front of a mirror …, I have little money in my pockets and no plans of a future to talk about with her …, if I had a large sum of money I'd think of thoughts that would tickle her fancy but at this time what is happening in the family is just too weird to understand and wrap my head around, then put into words to have it make sense in a conversation with someone like what Angela could become.

Eighteen years old and I'll introduce Angela and Judy to my parents one afternoon. Thirteen year old budding Judy came out onto the patio deck first, and I could see Moms skin turn pale and the blood run from her face. When Angela then stepped into view my mother breaks out into a self-conscious chuckle, and after introducing the two of them by name my mother is still with an occasional chuckle, nodding her head as my father begins to light a pipe of tobacco, then to fold a newspaper on the patio table and begin staring down and reading. No hello or howdy words from either of my parents to Judy or Angela. I look at Judy and Angela and want to say something but the notion that they staged a presentation to my parents, having Judy stroll into view first, … I ask them if they want something to eat or drink, a sandwich? is no, so let's just get out of here.

Another time I'll bring Angela and Judy to the house in the evening. Maybe the both of them will be in bed or ready to do so and I can show them around the house for awhile. It is a nice house, with a few things of interest in it. But alas, my father is a jerk. He really is.

Only my father is in the house. Where everyone else is I don't know.

"You were supposed to bring the car back at nine," he says as I stand at the kitchen table with Angela and Judy. It's maybe ten, ten-thirty, eleven o'clock, who knows, who cares; not like it was a necessity and if it matters whether the car is in the garage for the rest of the night or it's being driven at the time. By this time, clockwork determines Dad has downed at least five Manhattans since 5 PM when the first one is consumed. Seven days a week starting at five o'clock and he's drunk by nine o'clock. The way he is now talking to me in front of the girls is only to deliberately humiliate me in front of them. The guy is a complete toad.

"Alright, alright," I say and then try to usher the two outside and back into the car. But Dad says no, I'm not driving them home, he is driving them home. Years later I'm to recall this incident, and I simply wish I had thought to call the police that night on Dad. 

"Yes, officer. My father is driving with two female passengers. A brown Chevy Impala traveling west from Hopewell Junction to Fishkill on Route 82. They just left a minute ago so they may be entering Hopewell Junction any minute, otherwise they'll be traveling west towards Fishkill. My father has had at least four or five Manhattans and I'm concerned for the safety of the two passengers while he drives under the influence of that many drinks, officer."

Were I to have caused my father to be arrested for DUI would be the single most rewarding event and memory of my life! As long as I lived in that house I would never let him forget I was the one that caused him to have handcuffs and a slap on his wrists. The girls were not in danger is probably why I didn't think to call the police. Dad goes slow and pays attention to what he's doing while under the influence, I know, but just to slap him back for the humiliation that night by causing his arrest for driving them back would only be another factor for why my father really isn't too swift in the social skills department. 

••

The Sandig clan moved from Fishkill to Peekskill, and I drive down to visit their apartment late one afternoon. Judy answers the door and she tells me Angela isn't there and she doesn't know when she'll be back. Fourteen year old Judy greets me at the door and remains in her underwear as we talk about this and that and that and this. I watch her reach up for a box of cereal and …? she's definitely coming of age. Young, healthy, fertile, …? what's not to like? I'm almost if not twenty, and she's putting on a show for me now. The flirt. I ask her to tell Angela I was there, and then leave. Duh. 

••

Kevin and I did another ds soon after he arrives back from Seattle. He tells me he hitchhiked back from Seattle. He met this guy Lance who he then began sharing rides with until Lance got arrested for shoplifting in some town and Kevin is hitchhiking on his own again. Pure luck gave him one ride starting from just outside the city of Denver all the way to the Taconic State Parkway; some guys going back to college at Boston. They exchange addresses and if Kevin is ever in the Boston area the next few years to give them a call. He does call and we'll be there this weekend.

I call Angela and she says she'll go with me to Boston with Kevin and Donna. A couple days after this phone call and a couple short days before we'll leave I'm having bad thoughts. Angela will taste amphetamine? and then the barbiturates I'll clue her to so that she doesn't have to go bonkers? Cannabis is one thing but these pharmaceuticals are another. Angela, her sisters and her girlfriends I suppose are alright but they're not cool. I met Mrs. Sandig once at their apartment in Fishkill. And I have thoughts of her mother years from now finding out that it was I who gave Angela her first taste of these quality euphorics, after I imagine that I've returned to this area ten years from now and to then learn Angela has overdosed with some silly nigger types she had recently found and was hanging out with for any dope to get high with and, … Mrs. Sandig now hates my guts? 

Believe it: I am cool. I'm a cool dude now and I was back then. My conscience is clear. No regrets, no remorse, I am a product of my environment. 

No mind, no human brain can not enjoy the way these euphorics make you feel. My Moms would even tell me those type of drugs cause euphoria, and you're supposed to like them. You have to. I'm to imagine Angela would share them, tell others she knows where to get them, and she just doesn't give me the impression she could be made to understand what she is getting into by indulging with these quality drugs I have. She doesn't yet have the mind of a soldier, where the power of life and death are in your hands, and with these drugs it is easy to die if you're not cool. Cool like some soldiers are cool. I could've pulled Angela, and I probably would have done so at this time had I the resources enabling me to control future events in my life better. As it is Angela isn't cool, and I soon call her back to tell her I've changed my mind, the trip is off, and I'm never to see or talk to her again.

Donna invites her friend Kathy and the four of us travel to Boston.

••

This guy Kevin knows is somewhere, in class maybe when we arrive at the Victorian house he shares with other students. With a couple hours to roam around the town of Salem, we stroll the streets and parks. Bronze plaques will tell us this is an area where they burned those accused of witchcraft. Kathy and I stroll under an open window of a three-story residential structure, and we stop to listen to this man and woman talking.

"You're a witch. I know you are," a male voice intones.
"Stop it. Stop. You know I'm not. Why are you saying that?" a female voice pleads. 
"Damn you, woman. What do you take me for, a fool?" replies the male.

Kathy and I stand and look at each other incredulously, and then step away. 

"Maybe they're rehearsing a play or something," Kathy says later. I just give a chuckle at the thought, whatever was going on that afternoon.

The pork slices inside the egg buns are delicious. We eat these instead of anything fishy or lobsterly because of price. Frugal rules for the time being.

…, to be continued.